Thursday, January 31, 2013

try me

I'm about to hit my wall.

After hemming and hawing about it for the past few months, Whit and I decided to move out of our apartment in Los Altos to a cheaper one in Mountain View. It's smaller and not quite as nice, but it's an incentive to pare down, and will allow us to save a bit more. Plus, we are now within walking distance of the burrito triangle.

This move occurred Tuesday (we hired a moving company because we are too old to be paying our friends in beer and pizza in exchange for heavy lifting). Whit then had to leave for India on Wednesday. So that leaves me single parenting for two weeks, surrounded by boxes.

I haven't really mentioned in this space before that I'm still breastfeeding, and therefore pumping while I'm at work. Other than my first week of going back full time, I've been able to keep ahead of Linnea's daycare intake. However, work's slowly been ticking upwards, which means not enough time to pump. And with the move, I haven't been eating or sleeping as well, which means a supply dip. And while this has been going on, Linnea started her six month growth spurt, and her daytime intake has gone from 12 ounces to 15 ounces to 18 ounces. Today I had to dip into my frozen milk stash for the first time, and felt like a failure.

None of this is new. Message boards all over the internet are clear: continuing to breastfeed after returning to work is hard, requires a lot of effort, and you still may have to give up before you want to. But it still doesn't make it easy to process, and the idea of stopping now, after overcoming the horror of the first few weeks, is just so, so disappointing.

So instead of dwelling on that, I'd like instead to think about my glads.
  • I found a pair of scissors, the Aeropress, and my nursing bras after only a combined 45-minute search.
  • Linnea adjusted immediately to the new place.
  • Comcast guy came at the very start of the appointment range, and got the cable modem working within 30 minutes.
  • I made my work team crack up with a well-delivered, but inappropriate computer porn joke.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

mathematical formula for lifespan

It's hard to believe that creatures as different as jellyfish and cheetahs, daisies and bats, are governed by the same mathematical logic...It tells animals for example, that there's a universal limit to life, that though they come in different sizes, they have roughly a billion and a half heart beats; elephant hearts beat slowly, hummingbird hearts beat fast, but when your count is up, you are over. Plants pulse as well, moving nourishment through their veins. They obey the same commands of scale, and when the formula says "you're done," amazingly, the buttercup and the redwood tree obey.

Both this idea and the animated gifs that accompany this post are intriguing. Making a note to read more about it.

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Monday, January 7, 2013

the real question is...

...during which work meeting can I break these moves out?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

highchairing it

Despite my apprehension about embarking on solid foods (the planning! the documentation! the MESS!), I bought and set up a highchair for Linnea. She's getting much better about sitting up on her own, and has been staring me down every time I eat around her, so it's probably going to be pretty soon that I'm shoveling sweet potatoes and avocado into her face.

(I have no idea why she looks like a North Korean dictator here)

Saturday, January 5, 2013

everything in its place

I’d been so busy removing obstacles to seeing my daughter that I barely had time to look at her. In my desperate attempt to not be my mother, I ended up repeating her behavior. She tried to make up for her childhood by filling her home with objects; I countered my youth by ridding them. But both of us could be blind when it came to our children.

I looked at the spoon’s unruly mix of saliva, seafood and milk. No matter how much I cleaned up, I could not control the disorder of motherhood.
My mother was not a hoarder -- exactly the opposite of it -- but I resonated with this article and the author's attempts to organize her new world as a parent. The thought of Linnea covered in pureed carrots prickles my throat, but I'm not sure if it's realistic to create an all-clean-everything world for her.

Or maybe not. Clearly, my mom was able to impart some of her super-cleanliness powers on my childhood psyche.

playing in the yard
Of course I'm sitting on a white towel while I play in the yard. And I'm sure my mom made me take a bath right after this.

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

bienvenue 2013

I don't think I'm going to make many resolutions this year. My main resolution is trying to keep putting one foot in front of the other. I do like this idea of a that's been floating around about keeping a "good things" jar. I've been feeling the effects of a cynical, snarky world (in which I am a totally culpable participant), and I am wanting to include a bit more gratitude in my life.

I am starting with trying to feel more gratefulness in being a mom. I also am trying to have more photos of me and Linnea together, because I know I'll keep putting if off, and one day she'll be six/ten/fourteen and I won't have any moments captured of us together.

Oh, and Stanford won the Rose Bowl this afternoon. Go Cardinal.